Being at the beach is good for me, an infinite being, because I encounter multiple infinities at once: the stars, the sand, the water, the sky, the vastness of my soul itself, and the always-hard-to-grasp infinity of being loved.
You made the stars, and I matter.
To hold that truth as I hold fine, powdery sand in my hands. To be weighed down to the earth and consider one particular star above my head as its own reality, in its own loveliness, as a parallel to myself. To matter like a star.
I guess right now it’s context that I lack. The context of my place in the galaxy as well, my place among these women, in North Carolina, in this town, whose struggles are almost as alien as if they were from a distant, foreign country.
To wonder if I even want to bother to try, or if I should start making plans for my next escape, where these feelings might not follow me. To plot outrunning my demons again, as if it will work this time.
I yearn for heaven more each day. My heart breaks as I yearn for restoration. And I know my life should be built around this yearning, fearlessly encountering that heartbreak and using it to drive me to the Lord and others.
I am so wanted. So necessary in this kingdom. I am a star unto itself in a dance only for him, tracing a pattern into the universe only I can create. A purpose special for me. Not brighter for that. Just, there is a place for me, in God’s will, where I am desired and wanted, by a God who made the stars and me.
The kingdom of God is like a treasure buried in a field, which Joanna finds and covers up. Then in her joy she goes and sells all she has to buy the field. I’m very afraid of what it will mean to me to be sold out this way. But it’s for a treasure, you guys. Worth much more than the feeble things I call my own.
Pray with me. Wait on the Lord with me. Wait for the kingdom. And join me in selling everything to join the restorative work Jesus is calling us to. I’d like to follow God’s will as naturally as a star follows its path. He’s asking for my surrender. This is good. This is hard.
I’m done running. And I know the most remarkable things will follow.