GCC Courtship and Marriage with Professor Jo

Dear Prof. Jo:

A guy from (HOUSING GROUP NAME REMOVED) asked to get a meal together… to talk about a company that I interned for last year… I guess what strikes me as odd/frustrating is that guys have no problem wanting to talk about career stuff and learn from my experience, but no one ever just is like “you are cool let’s hang out.” Did you ever get frustrated with guys here?? I’m sure you’ve got plenty of stories to tell!
 
Sincerely,
Friendzoned

///
 
Dear Friendzoned,
 
Here is every GCC love story. Engineer/accounting major selects woman of choice to bear his children based on childbearing hips, use of Biblical submission incorrectly in dating contexts, intense opinions about abortion, gay marriage, and immigration spouted in Mod Civ, and a general, vocal interest in being married and having children and homeschooling them. Being giggly and flirty certainly helps. After the males have selected their prey, they will proceed to ignore them, date other girls casually, ask them out for weird non-dates, and confuse the general hell out of their future babymakers. Spring of senior year, they will make their affection known to the girl, who has been patiently waiting for this glorious moment her whole life. They will be married that summer.

Friendzoned, IF you do not match the above description of said girl, you will inevitably be lumped into that large category of undateables. The fact that you may be tossed in this pile because you “might be a democrat” or your hips “cannot fit a gargantuan Esau-sized baby head” is tragic but it will happen. Perhaps you “had opinions”, “expressed interest in pursuing a career” or even outsmarted a man in a class debate or project, which is, as we women all know, unacceptable and unforgivable. Once you have been tossed into this pile you can never crawl out, until you graduate, when everyone’s gender role biases are set to 0 again, thank the Lord a mighty.

Watch out for those who will put you in the undateable category. Generally speaking, most GCC guys can get away with relationship murder as long as they fit these requirements:
-above a 2.5 GPA
-some semblance of one thing attractive about him (good jaw, nice hair, clean teeth)
-mildly athletic (in one rec sport, on and off) or musical
-sometimes does kind things for people (sends notes in mail, plays guitar twice a semester for his church)
-references God occasionally
-goes to Warriors and “totally gets into it”
-“wants to be a dad”

These qualifiers, which any bonehead could easily fit, will justify him asking you “to get a meal” and then ignoring you in HAL hallways for the next month, justify “getting coffee” but paying separately, then finding out about his serious girlfriend he Skypes every day but never mentions, justify “studying together” and showing up as the third wheel to the girl he’s actually trying to get with.

Mating rituals of a grover: you will be able to recognize the signs quite easily. The male in pursuit of his prey (again, somewhere right before spring of senior year) will release his mating call, which is to ask every single person in his object of affection’s life whether she might have feelings for him. Not being a total idiot, he knows this will reach the ear of the woman. Notified through friends of his desire, she now stalks her prey, in the library, during intervis (a “casual unplanned encounter” on his housing group’s hallway is always effective) and must make a fool of herself to express her reciprocated interest. The male sits back and waits…for the DTR. We all know what happens from there.

If you do not usually conform to this bizarre and very ineffective ritual, which from your inquiry I can tell you do not, here is the hard task ahead: this fellow has already lumped you in the undateable category because you are a powerful young career woman with intimidating experience. He wants to learn the secrets of your power so he can woo one of the dateables with the prowess and intelligence that you have. (Obviously, in a woman, these things are devilishly unattractive, but when found in a man, he will surely be having glorious virginal intercourse with his bride within two weeks of graduation.)

Don’t take this personally. Clearly marrying one of these typical grover men would be the downfall of your independence, career, and spiritual health. Hold fast to the awesomeness that is you, and someday down the road you’ll be able to snag a better mate outside of these foolish games. Just remember: you are Grove City Undateable because you are powerful, beautiful, and intimidatingly intelligent. Any man unworthy of you would be terrified. The right man will be smitten.

Hope that helps,
Prof. Joanna

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