Off the hippie deep end

Well, Into the Gloss STILL HASN’T ASKED ME so I’ll just go ahead and tell you about my beauty routine myself.

I’ve already deleted half my Facebook friends and have nothing to lose. Being real: this post has sat in my drafts since January. There was just too much passion. Still is. But the more I freak out about girls using BB cream the more I realize I should just write this and Fwd:Fwd:Fwd: it until I die instead of having the same 45 minute unwanted conversation with every girl and #woke boy.

So. Welcome. Welcome to my natch world of paraben- and underwire-free magic.

bill hader quotes - Google Search:

I had to make a separate post about all my hair intensity because it was TOO DAMN LONG so go read that here and then come back.

I’m writing this post to store all of my favorite hippie things in one blog post to take the place of various conversations I have on a daily basis. Examples:

  • talking to a fellow thin-haired curly girl about cowashing: “OH GOD YOU still USE HERBAL ESSENCES??!?!?” -grabs her by the shoulders- “WHY WHY WHY”
  • “matte is a word invented by marketers”
  • “did you know that most tampons are heavily bleached?”
  • and most of all: “you are SUPPOSED to be oily!”

Not sure when along the spectrum of first caring about socially responsible businesses, first putting olive oil in my hair on purpose, and where I am now, that all of this began mattering. I think it’s been a gradual slippery slope into buying better things from better companies — in my clothing (thrifting/fair trade instead of H&M and TJMaxx fast fashion as much as possible, post to follow shortly), in my groceries (co-op/creating local jobs/shorter ingredient lists with less “phates” and “oxycides” in them/whole grains/less hormones), and now, in what I put on and in my body to be beautiful and clean.

Am I consistent? No. But neither is my theology, professional life, toilet paper preference, musical tastes or political POV. It ok. See meme above. I just do the passionate best I can, and each dumb unhealthy choice I replace with one I’m more informed and happy about brings me joy.

"Why should I have to alter the natural state of my body to be seen as socially acceptable.": I share all of this not as your crazy aunt who forwards you emails about Benghazi (well..maybe a little) but as a friend who enjoys challenging assumed norms. WHY do you believe your boobs or skin “should” look a certain way? Why do you pay extra for worse food? My opinion is that by looking into the secret rules that guide your choices, you can maybe find things that matter to you and make choices fully aware of WHY you’re doing so. Like buying “oil-free” moisturizer because you read once in a magazine when you were 12 that oil=bad and matte=good for …zero reasons.

IMHO true empowerment means you’re making choices about your life that you’re proud of because it’s what you believe is right, not because a group of old men with lots of money in a corner office somewhere on a 17th floor, who have never used tampons or worn bras or put makeup on their faces THAT we KNOW of, tell you how to be beautiful and healthy in order to meet their bottom line.

You tracking? Good. Let’s get into it.

Skin

Morning routine. UGH why has Into the Gloss not personally reached out to me for this expose? YOU are going to get this breaking story and not them. Tragic af.

Primo: Witch hazel sprayed on my face to wake up. I was using toner for a while because a magazine told me to or something, which dries up your face something fierce. Witch hazel does a lot of what toner promises in that it opens up your pores, fights bacteria, reduces inflammation and helps to de-puff your eyes. My job is staring at a computer so my eyes are 60% puff. I buy T. N. Dickinson’s because it’s cheap and you can get it at Key Food and put it in a spray bottle.

Since I’m a night showerer on my best days, in the morning I just wash my face with cold water after the witch hazel, pat dry with a t-shirt (because terry towels will TERR up your skin) and rub on half a pump of Alaffia Everyday Coconut Face Lotion. Smells fruity, empowers women, all natural ingredients, protects my face. Checks all my main boxes. It’s got SPF which is hella important especially in the winter when the sun sneaks up on you, and doesn’t leave my face feeling greasy or drips my mascara off or anything when I get subway sweaty: A Real Thing That Could Happen To You.

In the evening, in the shower, I use a drop of grapeseed oil on each eye to remove my mascara (thanks for the tip, Erienne!) and then wash up with an Acure face wash. I like their minty-smelling cleansing creme for a while, but for some reason switched impulsively for their Pore Minimizing scrub at checkout last time and now I’m stuck with it. It smells pretty hippie-funky because clay is the main ingredient. I love their products but will fer surrrre switch back ASAP. PS pro tips from bestie Maddie, don’t buy non-biodegradable face scrub. Those tiny plastic beads get through water filters and trash up the ocean and hurt the fishies.

Speaking of Acure, out of the shower, I dab (with my RING finger because it’s the weakest and gentlest of the fingers oh the things I have learned) a dot of their eye cream under my eyes like the sad computer-starer that I am, and then, my favorite part, put five or six drops of Some Call Me Crunchy’s Facial Serum on as a stand-in for a night cream. It smells so good and I love falling asleep to it, plus it’s very nutritious and rich so it’s perfect for my face to soak up for eight hours. My friend Erienne sells the serum and a bunch of other good stuff on her Etsy shop and I highly recommend you check her stuff out.

Shaving

Natural: I mostly don’t do it. Especially between Labor and Memorial days. But when I do, I use men’s razors, shave with St. Ives lotion, and coat myself in coconut oil afterwards to lock in moisture.

Confession time, I went on a kick in April where I didn’t shave my armpits and I loved it. It was really fun. I was using a baking soda-based deodorant which I keep forgetting wreaks havoc on my sensitive pits so I got a weird rash from it and decided I better shave. I’m actually inspired to grow them out again after writing this. It’s very soft and kind of fun to challenge people’s expectations of what Lady Armpits Are Supposed to Be. Did you know that basically up until the 40s or 50s women never shaved? It was invented as a way to make money. SURPRISE. that’s actually everything regarding women’s bodies lol fun.

Makeup

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Brows. Brows are everything. I cannot have a good day unless my brows are properly combed and gelled. Especially for Pillsbury Doughboy white women, eyebrows are a GAME CHANGER. No one told me this and I had to figure it out for myself. Damn you all to brow-less HELL

I first use a Pixi stick/gel combo to fill in the weird gap I have between the two parts of my brow (why can’t weeee be friends?) Then I use an ULTA brow tint knockoff that is thick as paste to seal the deal. I have to brush it on very carefully or risk having to start over because the brush is awful and applies it in glops. But it’s so worth it. It’s dark as my soul and actually makes my eyebrows look like eyebrows. It’s the makeup step I use to my my face as intense as my insides.

“Smudge pot” gold-brown eyeshadow applied carelessly and basic mascara from e.l.f., illuminator from NYX dotted and blended around my brows and cheekbones, and tinted Burt’s Bees chapstick all get thrown in depending on when I hit snooze. But the brows are everything. I’ll show you:

screenshot-2016-10-11-at-10-44-13-pm screenshot-2016-10-11-at-10-39-23-pm

Guts

Got started eating generic gummy vitamins for Ladiezzz because I wanted to make sure I was getting proper amounts of iron, biotin and other important things. Idk if they do anything. Does anyone ever know if their vitamins are working?

When I read about diatomaceous earth on Free People a while back, I thought it was too nuts not to try. Turns out it’s like the blue stuff that comes inside of steel wool sponges except is like the as-seen-in-nature version. Basically, billions of years-old fossilized lil aquatic creatures are dried and harvested. It’s microscopic jurassic killer dust. And you eat it and it gets rid of parasites in your body.

I feel you backing away. Don’t yet. Stay with me here. Diatoms are negatively charged, which attracts positively-charged bacteria and wipes ’em out of your system. Scientists say so. Promise. Anyways. I mix a teaspoon of food grade diatomaceous earth (I use this kind) into a glass of water every few weeks to reboot my digestion system. 😀

Boobs

If I had money…I would get all of Pansy’s bras. Or splurge on Land of Women. But shelling out $$$ for bras doesn’t make sense for my wallet right now, so I found a cheap stand-in from Fruit of the Loom that still uses cotton and doesn’t have tags or wires because…ew, the corset life is sooo 2000 and late. Seriously, these comfy bras (good for cups A-C) had no padding or sculpting or hoisting or aligning or itching…or anything else I hate. I can just live my life. And they each cost less than $4.

SIDEBAR. When was the point in history when someone told us nipples were a bad thing? Everyone has them. The fashion powers that be have censored them as if they are somehow naughty or hott with two t’s or whatever? I recently just stopped caring. Because they’re not. It’s the boob version of matte facial photo ready finish cream spray tone correcting moisturizer.

It’s all a scheme to get consumers to buy $60 bras that “fix” problems of “smoothing” and “modesty” that don’t actually exist (see previous dirty hair/oil rant in other rant post). I work in marketing. I know about inventing problems. I can tell you it’s all a lie. (Art is a lie, nothing is real.)

Periods

So so so so PTL for the DivaCup you guys. I could write a whole other post about it. Short version is it’s just as gross as a tampon, because it’s blood and get over it already, but you don’t leak as much, it’s more sanitary, no strings attached (GET IT) and you aren’t creating waste or supporting a creepy industry that’s unregulated by the FDA. And once you learn to insert it properly you just feel hella educated and empowered. Cleaning = I boil it before and after my period, like pasta nobody wants. If you’re getting started on menstrual cups then go with the babby sized Lena Cup.

Disclaimer: There is a moment where for a split second you will feel as if you are sucking your soul through your cervix. Zero pain, but you’ll just feel it in your soul as the cup suctions itself to the top of your vaginal canal and it’s just a new thing that’s never happened to you before. Like a lil ghost burp, but internally. And then: NOTHING. You’ll feel nothing. And you can leave it in for 12 hours and go for a bike ride. It’s the good life.

Organic cotton pads are also a great choice I made lately. If you ever have too much free time, set an Always Infinity pad on fire and watch it turn all sorts of chemical bleachy colors. Or just watch this video of lady doing so for your viewing pleasure (gets good around 1:30 when she gets out the lighter). Cotton is just usually a better way to go when it comes to bras and underwear (more breathable, less chance of trapping heat and ickies) so it makes sense to me that pads follow the same logic.

And if you want to get real freaked out about the history of menstruation and the solutions that [overwhelmingly men] have invented over the years, go no further than my favorite website, mum.org. Soak it up. Pun intended.

it’s over now

Well. Now that I’ve dumped my diva cup on you, how about you? Got any hippie things about going au naturel you have intense opinions about? Dish about it.

And remember…

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Erienne says:

    I am in love with this post! I, of course, am honored to be featured, but I really just love it because you are hilarious, honest, and I MISS YOU!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. April says:

    Ha-ha love it. I also use witch hazel and put oil in my hair…i now want to try a lot of these things.

    Like

  3. Erin says:

    I love this. Dickinson’s witch hazel is my favorite and I have used it for years! And I loved your hair post 🙂

    Like

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